Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
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toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy