Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
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HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
🙄😏😂🤣
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft