I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
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She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
This will never not be funny to me.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Catering service
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.