Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
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Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
“and how does that make you feel?”
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…