Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
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My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We鈥檝e been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Baby formula = dad x mom 馃え
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
i feel like if the avengers were real we鈥檇 really really hate them
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 馃槨
Welcome to your 40s: here鈥檚 your ice pack.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
It鈥檚 kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare