I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
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my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause