If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
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don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”