63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
You Might Also Like
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill