People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
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Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
I am all good here, 😂😉
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”