I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
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Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too