Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
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When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Where’s my employee discount too?
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Skills
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No