Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
You Might Also Like
blocked.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”