Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
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The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
OH. COME. ON.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
I told my vodka about you.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph