There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
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DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
I hate when that happens.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.