if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
You Might Also Like
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.