Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
You Might Also Like
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
i did the math
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight