If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
You Might Also Like
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.