My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
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Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-