*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
You Might Also Like
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Can’t. About to go please some beans
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.