“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
You Might Also Like
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.