We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
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The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Good news
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
same bro
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around