“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
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put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Sunday
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?