Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
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Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
My Guy
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
We need to put an American base on the sun
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
#gardening
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE