I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
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I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.