ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
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My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
THE AUDACITY. 😤
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein