Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
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*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
i choose….tongue
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.