[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
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As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight