Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
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“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them