I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
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ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
God making man in his image was the original selfie
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.