You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
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me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Matt Goss
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.