You Might Also Like
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.