GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
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As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
My favorite female superhero
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
The three genders.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.