New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
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Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
yeah 😭
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
How it started: How it’s going:
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.