If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
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O Wise One….
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.