The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
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“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.