ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
You Might Also Like
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it