Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
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Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Fidel Castro was alive?
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Lmao