I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
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The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.