“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
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[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]