Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
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Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
I never know how much to tip a cow.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
I’m Sold!
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Cats (2019)
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.