Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
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Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep