Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
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I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me