Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
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Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
my first dose meeting my second
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Labreador
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
bury ourselves
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.