FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
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Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again