[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
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Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Hot Hot Hot
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?