Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
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If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money