If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
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wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.