wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
You Might Also Like
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
oh u like history? name everything that happened
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck