Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
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Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
I love the honesty
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.