Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
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Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Why I divorced her.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
What in the hipster hell is going on here
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting